Hold On To Love
by Mrs.Scarlettbutler
Summary: Mulder has a hard time processing Scully’s pregnancy and she is hurt by his resentment. Skinner sends them undercover as a married couple. Scully’s POV. MSR. Angst
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer. Scully and Mulder belongs Chris Carter.

Authors notes: Since nobody has paid me money not to write, no money is being made on this story.

Hold On To Love

Standing in the customer line, she watched Mulder ordering a cup of coffee and a chocolate chip cookie, the last one. They were the only ones waiting in the queue. Respectfully, she kept her distance to Mulder; the cold air of hostile radiating from him was thick and touchable, and it was growing by the minute. He was literally cutting her away from his world, an ordeal sealed in his apartment with the words; he had a hard time knowing were he fitted in. She was well aware that it was her heavy pregnancy, he had a hard time processing, and so far he was refusing to find any answers to his questions.

Without a gaze in her direction, he left with his treat of goodies, exhaling disappointedly, she behaved sensible by ordering a cup of tea, fixing her remorse stare at the empty chocolate chip cookie plate, hoping beyond hope she could will a cookie to appear and settle her carving for chocolate chip cookies. It was no use, briefly, she wondered if Mulder had picked up her carving and deliberately chosen the cookie despite his knowledge. He acted like he wanted to punish her these days, and he was successful. Looking at her choices she picked a chocolate muffin, not because she liked chocolate muffins much but it was the best option on hand, now.

With her tray in hands, she viewed the cafeteria; it was a typical hospital cafeteria, simple and functional but without any comfort. It wasn't a place to offer anything but a poor serving of unhealthy food. Quickly, her eyes found her boss and partner sitting at a small table in the far corner, away from prying ears and eyes. It was good to know that the other three persons in the cafeteria wouldn't be able to pork their noses into things none their business. If she wasn't so tired, she would have found amusement in this bizarre situation. Skinner must have gotten infected with Mulder's paranoia.

Walking the short distance, she kept her eyes on the floor, she was too tired to put on a happy display for anyone at this moment and lacked the energy to gauge Mulder's mood anymore. Sliding down into the vacant chair she exhaled in relief, her back was sore this morning. She was facing Skinner at the opposite side of the table, he looked worriedly at her.

"I'm fine, Sir." She lied. Skinner narrowed his eyes in sceptic but said nothing.

Mulder, sitting at the head of the table, ignored their conversation.

Regretfully, she studied her cup of tea and the muffin she had no desire to taste any of it, longing for a cup of coffee and the damn cookie on Mulder's plate. Normally, she allowed herself her morning coffee, knowing one cup a day wouldn't hurt her baby, but standing next to Mulder and his loathing of her had made her want to punish herself. Something she regretted deeply now, and if she hadn't been so damn tired; she would've gotten up and change her tea to coffee.

The aroma from Mulder's coffee was driving her crazy, from the corner of her eyes she watched him take a small sip of his cup and a sweet little bite of his cookie.

"Did you sleep at all last night, agent Scully?" Skinner was still watching her; he had become very protective of her since he learned about her pregnancy and Mulder's disappearance.

"No, I didn't sleep much, unfortunately." She gave him a small smile. But her lips turned downright when she heard Mulder taking another bite of his delicious cookie.

That man had some nerve, she thought.

Keeping her eyes on her boss, she saw his disapproval; "did you eat breakfast this morning?" Skinner pursued.

"Yeah, a cracker." There was no reason to lie, he meant well. "There was no time if I wanted to be here on time. I stayed at my mother's last night, Sir."

"You've to take care of yourself, agent Scully. We will make this meeting short."

Returning her eyes to her cup and plate she frowned, but was pleasantly surprised when a steamy cup of coffee was pushed into her view.

"Give me your cup and plate, Scully. You can have mine. I know how you like chocolate cookies."

Looking up she met Mulder's eyes, he had noticed her new carving and remembered her forceful need for coffee in the mornings. His eyes bore a softer touch than she had seen in days.

Gladly, she made the exchange. "Thank you, Mulder." Her eyes quickly left his to focus on the cup she lifted to her lips, closing her eyes she held the hot liquid in her mouth for a few seconds before she swallowed. Unexpectedly, the taste was rich and full and nothing like the usually thin, cheap coffee they served in places like this. Setting the cup down again she broke a small piece of the cookie and brought it to her mouth, in her greediness she licked the small crumbs of her fingers. Looking up she found Mulder's eyes transfixed to her mouth, his face held an expression of agony and sorrow. Removing her fingers, she watched his eyes flying to hers, for the shortest moment they locked eyes and she saw the glimmer of hurt in his eyes, before he closed his emotions down and gave her a blank stare.

It was the first glint of Mulder, she had seen, since she left his apartment two days ago. He broke the contact and turned his attention to Skinner. "Why are we here, Sir?"

"We're here because, I need two agents to go undercover as a married couple expecting their first child, considering the fact that agent Scully already is pregnant and that you haven't returned to the X-Files yet, agent Mulder, it was obvious to give this assignment to you. An abnormal amount of still born babies are delivered by this hospital and the majority is delivered by Doctor Seller. I want you to look into this."

"Why didn't we just meet at your office, Sir?" Skinner had gotten Scully's full attention after his first sentence.

Looking slightly uncomfortable, Skinner looked from her to Mulder, "this assignment hasn't been approved by Kersh. He and agent Doggett have been told you're taking a few days off, agent Scully."

"Agent Doggett won't suspect something is wrong?" Mulder didn't try to hide his contempt for the agent he had only heard mentioned.

"Why would he, Mulder? I do take days off on a regular base, John urges me to slow down, he will only be happy to think I've listened to his advise."

"Oh, I'm sure he will, agent Scully." The hostile was back in Mulder's eyes.

"Agent Mulder, will you drive agent Scully and her car back to her apartment? I don't think she's in a condition to drive. The bureau will pay for a cap to your own apartment. If you'll excuse me I've another meeting. Brief me daily on this case, agents" Without waiting for an answer he left them, leaving a case file on the table.

Unpleased with the situation, Scully's eyes followed her boss, being alone with Mulder was like walking on broken glass, he was so angry with her for reasons she was unsure of. It was not at all how she had imagined his homecoming.

"Ready to go, Mulder?" He nodded his head in agreement, "I'll drive you home."

This time he disagreed, "Skinner is right, I'll take you home. You need to eat."

Exhausted, she handed him the keys. "You don't have to Skinner is just worried for no reason."

"Is that so, it's not what he told me. He said you've had a difficult pregnancy."

Lifting her eyebrow, she tried to gauge his concern; he gave nothing away but scanned the room instead of meeting her eyes. "Yeah, well, I've had help." She turned and directed her steps towards the entrance.

"Yeah, I bet you've." Mulder mumbled behind her.

Ignoring him she waddled away. Their eyes only met again when he held the car door for her and it was only for a fleeting moment. She was tired of guessing what was going on in that head of his, it was pretty obvious, he resented her and her unborn baby but the reasons behind his resentment were clouded to her.

As soon as they rolled out from the parking lot Mulder turned the radio on.

When you looked into my eyes  
And you said goodbye could you see my tears  
When I turned the other way  
Did you hear me say  
I'd wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky  
You promised me when you said goodbye  
That you'd return when the storm was done  
And now I'll wait for the light, I'll wait for the sun  
Till I feel your

Rain

Mulder had turned the radio on to stop any conversation between them before it started and to help him keep his distance from her, it was a failing attempt. The song had the opposite effect; it was loaded with emotions and longings. Admitting his mistake, Mulder switched the radio off just when the chorus started. But the damaged had been done and the air was thick with unspoken questions.

"Mulder?!" Scully began, immediately Mulder interrupted her, "we've an appointment with Doctor Seller tomorrow morning, do you want to go over the case now or do you've better plans?"

"No, I don't have any plans. Why don't you come up with me and we can eat while we talk."

Driving the car into an empty parking lot he said "ok," without any hesitation.

Surprised Scully turned her head in his direction, it had mostly been out of politeness she had asked, sure he would turn her offer down. He acted like he didn't want to be near her these days, when all she wanted was to take him in her arms and never let him go again. It wasn't enough to be in the same room as Mulder, she needed him as close as possible. Only the most intimate closeness would be close enough. And that seemed to be out of the question.

It hurts. His coldness hurts. She needed to be sure he was real and that he was here to stay, afraid he was the fainted picture she saw in her motel room in Helena.

The virus had invaded him that night in Montana, forcing his body to close down and his spirit to seek the starlight, where the souls wandered. Mercifully, it hadn't been his time, yet. The starlight must have sent him back to her, she liked to think that.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she watched Mulder taking the key out of the ignition and getting out of the car. Following his example she tightened her coat around her, unconsciously, hoping to take his focus of her growing belly. She was proud of her pregnancy and happy beyond words, but Mulder's lack of interest in her baby, almost made her shameful of the visible signs of her pregnancy. She was fully aware that she wasn't very attractive in her trimester but Mulder could never turn unattractive to her, so how could she to him?

Handing her the keys Mulder began to walk slightly ahead of her but gentlemanly holding the building's front door for her. Licking her bottom lip, she crossed the doorstep and when he continued to stay slightly behind her an ache of loss engulfed her. She missed his hand on her lower back; Mulder hadn't touched her since he awoke in his hospital bed. To pour salt into the wound, he had avoided her touches like they burned his skin. No, it was not how she had imagined his homecoming at all.

Mulder crossed his arms and watched his shoes while she unlocked her apartment door, if she didn't know he still had his own copy of her key in his key ring, she could believe he was here for the first time, and worst he looked like he wanted to be everywhere but here. Exhaling, she switched the light on and moved into her apartment, fast she unbuttoned her coat and slide it down her shoulders and off her arms. Turning, she reached out to take Mulder's leather jacket as well, puzzled, he studied her hand for a while before his eyes caught a glimpse of her curious stare.

"Your jacket, Mulder?"

Blinking a few times, he finally reacted and took his jacket off, changing her mind Scully handed him her own coat instead. "Please drop them on the bed, Mulder. I'll check the kitchen for food." Without waiting for his answer she shuffled into her kitchen, her ears caught the muffled sounds of Mulder moving into her bedroom. Looking into the refrigerator she chose the easy way; scrambled eggs and bagels with cream cheese.

The eggs were on the pan when Mulder strolled into the kitchen, even with her back to him she sensed some of his tension was released, relived she stretched her neck to release some of her own tension.

"Will you set the table, Mulder? There's juice in the refrigerator and the water has boiled. You know where to find the instant coffee and tea." As an afterthought she added, "please."

In silence, they prepared the breakfast. After a few minutes they found their usually seats around her kitchen table. Scully served the eggs and Mulder poured the juice, they worked in perfect order, if she closed her eyes she could almost believe everything was all right, almost believe he never had gone missing or considered dead, but only almost. The past months of pain and loneliness were hard to forget.

"Um, Scully, you haven't changed much in your bedroom except…"

Looking up from her plate, she raised her eyebrow in question. "Except what, Mulder?"

"The picture on your bed chest."

She needed a minute to realise what picture he was talking about, but taking a sip of her juice sudden understanding flashed her face. "Oh, Langley caught us on one of his surveillance cameras, the one in the kitchen, I think. We look relatively happy and relaxed in it, I like that." Pausing, she added, "it's a nice picture."

"It is, Scully. I haven't seen it before?"

Finishing her eggs, she leaned back and rested her arms softly against her swollenness. "No, they gave it to me when I came home from the hospital right after you were taken. They thought…thought I needed something to hold on to. They have been a great support."

"So you" He was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone.

She studied him to see if he would continue when he didn't, she sighed and got up awkwardly and answered her cell. Listening for a brief moment, she said, "Hi John. Is something wrong?" While she spoke she walked back to her chair and faced Mulder.

His face was back to the blank expression; their moment of re-bonding was gone, again.

"No, I'm fine…Yeah, a few days off will do me good…No, I'll manage. Mulder is here but thank you John…You just go on with the Ashley case. I don't think it's an X-File. What I think is that Ashley is a teenager sneaking out on her parents at night. Keep an eye on her and you'll catch her… fine, bye!"

During her conversation with Doggett Mulder had gotten up and cleaned the table, turning he faced her. "So we have an appointment at 8.30 in the morning tomorrow?"

Watching him, Scully clearly saw his rejection of her, it wasn't so much in his words but more in his body language. His words were normal and emotionless but his facial expression and the tension in his body told her to keep her distance. To stay away from him, he was obviously still angry with her.

"Yeah." Flipping though the case file she gathered a few basic information, "it's our first child. It's your first marriage and my second. It's a difficult pregnancy. I'm due to deliver in two months, thank god. Oh, you're Timmy Richmond and I'm Sarah Richmond."

"The happy couple. They're living the in the suburban, a nice house with a garden surrounded by a white fence and a coming baby! It's it what everybody wants?"

Without paying attention to him, she answered: "I guess so, Mulder."

"Can I get my copy of the case file, Scully?"

"Sure, just one second," turning the papers quickly, she was surprised; "there is only one copy, Mulder."

"There is a shortness of papers in the FBI? Or is it a cheap way of teambuilding? Read a case file with your partner and discuss the cases in the back. How well do you know your partner? Interesting prospect. Anyway, you look through it first and I'll pick it up in the afternoon, is that fair to you, Scully?"

Half-turning she hid her face from his hard eyes, suddenly too tired to focus on anything anymore. "Fine, whatever, Mulder."

The silence that fell upon them filled the air around them with bitter tension, it was starting to drain her, never had she expected Mulder and her would reach this point. Always believing their friendship and love counted for something, that it would be on another level than her previous relationships, but she had been wronged. Compared to this other relationships had been like walking on roses.

He left without another word and with the case file.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I hold no claim to them – they're all Chris Carter's.

Thanks for reviewing – it's so nice when they come into my mailbox.

I seem to have problems with uploading and storing this story – I hope it works better with this chapter. I've tried to contact the FF support without any result ;-(.

It's a short chapter – sorry.

Hold On To Love

Chapter two

Slipping into her pyjamas, she realised how exhausted she really was, it had been close to a week without a full night of sleep. Her cramped position in the chair beside Mulder's hospital bed had done little to her health and satisfaction of her unborn baby. Sliding into bed she groaned in pain, her back was beyond sore it was aching with pain. Stretching out her foot started to cramp, Jesus her body was falling apart these days. The joys of an expecting mom!

Turning to her side, she placed a spare pillow between her legs; it relieved some of the pressure and allowed her to relax. Closing her eyes and exhaling deeply she willed her thoughts to slow down, and after taking a few deep breaths she controlled her breathing into a deep slow pattern. Breathing in through her nose and all the way down to her stomach, and then exhaling slowly through her mouth, it released some of her stress but her head was still working on overload. Focusing on her toes, she began to feel every single toe and stretched them lazily, moving to her ankles she repeated the gesture. Her body felt fine up till her lower back, gentle hands massing her sore spots would be heaven, in her dreams. Accepting the pain and soreness, her focus moved on and feeling the insisting movements in her abdomen her spirit was lifted. She loved her baby and would move heaven and earth for it, sacrifice her own happiness for her miracle. A smile tugged at her lips when she finally was rewarded with a peaceful blackness behind her eyes.

All too quickly, her peace was interrupted; a painful pressure on her bladder forced her to awake fully. There never was much time to reach the bathroom these days; often it was a matter of seconds. It was worse in the mornings her nap must have tricked her body into morning habits.

In the bathroom she stripped naked, a hot bath would do wonder to her back and prolonging her relatively relaxed state of mind. Gliding into the hot water she controlled her breathing again, needing a moment of quietness before dealing with the uncertainty and anger between her and Mulder again. She wasn't ready to give him up, never had and hoping she never would be. But her fear of losing him was driving her mad.

The cooling of the water left Goosebumps on her skin and refreshed from bath and sleep Scully stepped out of the tub. Smoothing her special lavender oil onto her skin, she hoped it would do the wonders to her skin all pregnant women prayed for. With her skin still slightly moist from the oil she decided to dry off before taking any clothes on.

Leaving the bathroom she was almost knocked down by Mulder.

"Mulder" she gasped with a heart beating from chock.

His face turned into his panic face, "God…Scully!" He choked.

"What are you doing here, Mulder" Worried, she studied his face, it was the first time he saw her naked pregnant body and she couldn't help but fear his resentment. Being very disciplined about her eating habits her weight was perfectly acceptable, she had gained the extra weight needed for the baby and nothing more. Everybody told her she was very lucky, and she was. She was carrying the child she only dared dreaming of and she had gotten Mulder back. Well a sort of back.

Mulder's eyes traced her body from head to toe, finally his eyes settle on her breasts, lingering there. His breathing became heavier. "Huh, I came with the file; you didn't answer the door or your cell phone. I used my key." He waved the key in the air and removed his eyes to briefly meeting hers.

"I was taking a bath."

"So I see, Scully." His eyes moved to her bedroom door, quickly he scanned the room.

"Looking for something, Mulder?" His behaviour annoyed and puzzled her, she really couldn't tell what he kept searching for whenever he was around her.

"Just checking to see if somebody was stealing your supply of pyjamas, or perhaps you've become a nudist. I doubt you've turned into one of those dancers from the tapes which aren't mine."

Passing him she willed her temper, "sure, Mulder, women in my state of pregnancy is highly regarded as nude dancers if you will excuse me my customer is waiting in the closet. I was waiting for the oil on my skin to dry. I don't think I will offend anyone, Mulder, after all, I'm in my own apartment with all the privacy I want. Besides that the air feels good. I hope, I didn't appal you with my extra weight, Mulder, but if I do remember correctly, you're the intruder."

"I've better words than appalling for you."

"What did you say, Mulder"

"Huh, nothing. Scully did you read the file?"

Finding a pair of panties that wasn't huge as a house she slipped them over her tights, resting low of her hips, they didn't bother her abdomen. "No, Mulder, you never gave me the chance. So far, I haven't learned to long distance read the cases, so no. But I'm sure you will tell me if there is something to say about the case."

Surprisingly, he sat on her bed and studied her while she got dressed, he never looked horrified with the sight of her naked body but it was impossible to read his thoughts. His willingness to be around her in her glory of pregnancy touched her and her eyes filled with tears. Bowing her face, she hid them from him she had always been emotional but nothing like now.

"Timmy and Sarah have been married for five years but only managed to bring a pregnancy so far by now, they have had help with this pregnancy, it have taken several treatments and Sarah has miscarried four times already. The last time in her 30th week, the baby was still born. Timmy and Sarah never saw the baby. Most of the parents losing their babies in the hands of Dr. Sellers have been treated for infertilities and have miscarried more than once. Is that normal, Scully? Is there a higher risk of loosing babies created in a lab?"

Fully dressed, she turned to face him, "there is always a risk of miscarriage, most people doesn't know how often a pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, because it happens so early that the woman hasn't realised she is with child, yet. With fertility treatments the challenge is to get the harvested eggs to find residence in the uterus, it often fails. And the embryo appears be more fragile than normally conceived ones."

Licking her lips, she saw his head staring to spin, "my baby is fine, Mulder. I'm fine."

"I don't think Dr. Seller is the good fairy of unborn children, Scully, I think he plays God."

"Let's see what he says tomorrow, Mulder. Do you want something to drink?"

"No!"

Sighing, she wondered what was going on in his head, "I would like to check your chest to see if it have healed completely or if it need any special attention. I would also like to check your pupils for dilations."

Getting up from her bed, he rapidly answered her, "it will have to wait. I'm on my way out. See you in the morning, I'll pick you up."

Again, he was gone before she had a chance to respond. It was getting a bad habit of his.

Again, she had no idea of what was going on behind the beautiful eyes of his, except for the few glimpses of sorrow and confusion, he allowed her to see for brief moments. It was like trying to read a closed book, knowing that the book would answer all the questions you ever had asked, if you only knew how to open it.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Nothing new – they still belong to Chris Carter and I don't think he's willing to let them go.

Thanks for reading and reviewing – I'm honoured.

Hold On To Love

Chapter three

Mulder called from the car when he arrived the next morning, another new habit of his. Steeling herself for another emotional exhausting day around Mulder, Scully slipped into her coat and placed the weapon in her left pocket after checking it was secured. It was dangerous to carry her weapon in her pocket and difficult to get hold of it in a haste, but their cover would slip if she carried it normally, an appointment with your obstetrician meant bare skin in your hip area, not the best starting point for secretly carrying a weapon.

Safely down on the sidewalk, she climbed into the car. "Morning, Mulder." She greeted with more joy than she carried.

"Scully." He acknowledged. "I did some background checking last night, Dr. Sellers never stays in the same hospital for more than a few months. He was listed in 80 hospitals. That's a record I would say."

"Yeah, I know. I did some checking too, he graduated in 1941 from a hospital in Germany, under the name Heinrich Scheller. He joined the Nazi party in 1939 and since his graduation all records of him have disappeared, until he applied for his American medical licence in 1946 under the name Henry Seller. He has been working with genetic manipulation it was all I could find. All records of his work were empty."

Rolling out from the parking lot Mulder gazed in her direction, like always on a case his eyes were amused and alert, "somebody is protection Dr. Seller's work. And hiding his age, I saw him listed as 62."

Feeling the tears forming in her eyes, she turned her face away from him, the growing pain in her chest made it hard to breath and the dryness in her throat prevented her from screaming her hurt into his face. Had their love ever meant anything to him? If how could he act this indifferent to her now?

"Yeah:" She managed to choke out. He ignored her reply and turned the radio on; it was the traffic channel. He played it safe, she thought.

The morning traffic was impossible and they seemed to hit every red light on their way, stopping for another red light a few minutes from the hospital Mulder remembered something and reached into his pocket.

"Skinner sent them yesterday." He handed her a shiny object. A simple gold ring.

Holding the ring between her fingers she hesitated, it was the second time she wore a wedding ring, faking marriage to Mulder. First time had been difficult, today all she felt was defeat and aversion. It was another lie, another wall between her and Mulder. Feeling his stare on her, she gave him a glare through the corners of her eyes. He was wearing his ring already.

"It's the same ring, the same conditions, nothing to bind you down, Scully."

His hoarse voice made her jump in the seat. She needed no ring to be bound down, she thought sadly. Giving the ring a last stare she slipped it down her finger, it fitted perfectly. A wedding ring belonging to the Bureau fitted her perfectly, wasn't it ironic?

"What else can a girl ask for?" She replied emotionless. Getting no answer, she studied her hands.

After parking the car, he gentlemanly stepped out and helped her out and his hand supported her by the elbow on the short walk to the entrance, another new habit. They had spent 30 minutes together and she already felt emotionally vulnerable. He held the doors for her and let her walked into the elevator first, all the normal things husbands did for their wives and she would have cherished it, if it was followed with a warm glare or a soft smile but it wasn't. In fact his eyes were everywhere but on her.

In Dr. Seller's waiting room Mulder helped her into a soft chair and after patting her hair awkwardly, he stalked up to the admitting nurse, a long legged blond thing. Over the cover of a magazine, Scully closely studied Mulder's interaction with the woman. He wore a charming smile and politely chatted with the awful young nurse. She hang on to every word he said like women normally did, but something was amiss in his behaviour, his eyes were dull and he acted like he was on autopilot. Soon he returned to Scully's side.

"Miss Sullivan promised we will be next:"

"Apparently, Mulder, we are the only ones waiting." Her eyes rolled on their own will.

Chuckling, he added, "what I meant was that they're on schedule, it should only take a couple of minutes."

"Fine!" Returning to her magazine she studied his face, he hadn't changed a bit in the time he had been abducted. If only she could reach out and caress his lips and cheeks, if only he wasn't so distant.

"Nervous, Sarah?" He caught her ogling, expecting him to look the nurse out she had done nothing to hide her stare from him.

"You know I am, Timmy. You know how much I want this baby." Keeping in role, she took his hand in hers and squeezed it softly, locking eyes with him, she almost believed she caught a glimmer of honest concern.

Caressing her hand, he said reassuringly, "everything will be fine, Sarah. Don't you worry."

Breaking the eye contact, he discretely scanned the room, exhaling, she shook off her disappointment and followed his example. She found three surveillance cameras, being under observation it would be wise to remember their roles. Smiling warmly, she leaned in and affectionately kissed the corner of his mouth, oh it was heaven to feel the softness of his full lower lip and breathing in his scent. "Thank you, darling" she smiled.

Freezing, Mulder's eyes found hers, confusion and longing waved over his face before he slyly retorted, "No need to thank me, sweetheart."

Her heart missed a beat at his last word, neither of them used pet names or endearments, it simply wasn't who they were but at this moment it felt like a caress, the only thing she had of his former love for her. A tear rolled down her chin, with his thumb he gently smoothed it away.

The moment was broken when nurse Sullivan called their name and begged them into Dr. Seller's office. His hand on her elbow felt warmer on the short walk to the doctor's office, the doctor was a man in his early eighties, the years hadn't been good to him, he was ball and weighted way too much. There was a heavy smell of cigarette smoke around him. Disgusted, Scully met the man's approving but cold eyes. Without a word Mulder moved his arm from her elbow to around her shoulder and pressed her against him, possessively he placed a kiss at her temple. Mulder was clearly pissing of his territory, he, too, had noticed how the doctor's eyes ran up and down Scully's body.

"Mr. and Mrs. Richmond welcome, I'm Dr, Seller. Please take a seat." He pointed to two chairs in front of his desk. Reading the journal on his desk he continued, "Mrs. Richmond you're in your trimester with a due date in eight weeks. Oh, it's been a difficult pregnancy, that's why you were appointed to me by your own obstetrician. Have you experienced bleeding since the incident recorded in your fifth month?"

Finding Mulder's hand, they shared a long worried look, "huh, yes two days ago. Once in the morning and once in the evening. I have been on bed rest since then. We…" Wiping her eyes she kept silence.

"What my wife tried to say was that we lost a baby last year, it was still born." Mulder continued.

Studying the doctor through her hand, Scully saw the suddenly and fleeting glimmer of attention in the doctor's eyes, it could easily be mistaken for greed, Scully shuddered. Protectively, she moved her hand from her eyes and placed it on her stomach, a small kick almost made her smile until she remembered where she was.

"Do you think something is wrong Dr. Seller?"

Mulder moved closer to her and encircled his arm around her shoulder, taking full advantaged of the situation, she grabbed his hand harder and moved it to the swollenness of her stomach. Immediately his body went rigid and his breathing became hollow, meeting her eyes he took a deep breath and relaxed. Playing the role he even rubbed her friendly.

"I hope not Mrs. Richmond, I will give you an ultrasound examination. But first I will ask you and your husband a few questions."

He waited for their attention and Mulder nodded his head in agreement.

"Is there any hereditary diseases or defects in your families, on both sides?"

"No, none I can think of." Mulder answered.

"Good, are there any cases of schizophrenia or manic-depressive in your bloodlines?"

"No, do you know any cases, darling?" Scully asked enjoying the situation.

Giving her a bemused glare Mulder shook his head.

"Oh, good. Any heavy drinkers?"

"No."

"Very, very good." The malicious glint was back in the doctor's eyes, "let's get you up on the examination table, Mrs. Richmond. Nurse Sullivan will help you undress."

"It won't be necessary, Dr. Seller, I can easily pull my tee-shirt up." Scully stood up and took off her coat and cardigan.

Mulder's eyes flew to the door and then to the window like he was looking for an escape way, finally they landed on her belly, sucking in his lower lip, he pulled himself together and stood up as well.

"Mr. Richmond, please take the chair on the left side of the examination table" Dr. Seller walked to the sink and washed his hands.

Laying flat on her back Scully studied the ceiling, it would take all her willpower to let Dr. Seller touch her, he repulsed her and worst she felt her baby was in danger. Shuddering, she protected her stomach with both her hands and communicated to her baby not to worry. Maybe Mulder sensed her inner storms or maybe he just played the role but anyhow, he placed a warm hand above her right hand. Wordlessly, communicating he was here. Locking eyes with him he calmed her down, she wasn't alone.

"Please, place your hands down your sides, Mrs. Richmond. First, I will feel the baby's size and position with my hands before I give you the ultrasound scanning."

Mulder kept her hand in his when she did what she was told to do. Relieved, she exhaled and started to follow every move the doctor made. He seemed pleased with the baby's size momentarily, before he replaced the calculated look with a slightly worried look. He offered no explanations or any assurances, he simply place the scanning devise on her stomach and started to move it around. Scully turned all her focus to the monitor.

Beside her, she heard Mulder's sharp intake of air when the baby became visible on the screen. Switching her focus, she enjoyed the first real contact Mulder had with her baby, he was so beautiful sitting here with shock and awe clearly written all over his face. For once he was stunned. Momentarily, their eyes met, never had she witness such softness in them before, she hoped her eyes passed all the love she felt for him and that he would believe in her love.

"Ahem" Dr. Seller caught their attention. "Mr. and Mrs. Richmond, there is no easy way saying this, and I'm very sorry, but I'm not detecting a heartbeat."

"Oh no. Please no!" Scully cried. Mulder turned from the doctor to her, "Oh God, Sarah." He whispered hugging her tightly.

"I'm sorry. I'll have to examine your wife further, Mr. Richmond. My nurse will follow you to another examination room were we can know for sure and do what must be done."

A ring cut through the air, it was the phone on the desk, "if you will excuse me, it must be urgent. The doctor paddled to the desk and lifted the receiver to his ear. "Yes, Miss Sullivan… ah, I see."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Nothing changed since last chapter

Thanks for reviewing – I'm honoured that you take your time to read and review.

Sorry for the delay in updating – but I spent Easter in Germany and just got back last night. Hope you enjoy.

Hold On To Love

Chapter four

"Mr. and Mrs. Richmond, I'm so sorry but I must attend to a difficult birth, my nurse will give you another appointment tomorrow." Without waiting for their answer he left.

With a quick gaze they agreed to stay in role, Mulder helped her down from the examination table and into her clothes, while she scanned the room and found two cameras, weakly she leaned into his chest "there are two cameras, Mulder."

Patting her back, he loudly said, "it will be all right, sweetheart. Are you ready?" Scully stepped back and turned around, still she kept her head bowed like she was crying. Mulder placed his hand lightly on her lower back and together they walked out of the room. The wave of happiness and belonging rushing through her warmed her body up, and absentmindedly she leaned deeper into his hand, wanting more of him. She had missed him for so long and this was the first familiar touchstone, he offered her since he noticed her growing abdomen. She wanted to make most of it.

In respond, he moved his hand in soothing small circles; she doubted the cameras would catch the small movements on the monitors. "Sarah, wait over there I will make the appointment." Understanding she walked close to the entrance door, standing with her back to Mulder she had a perfect view over the door and the area behind it. She kept her hand in her pocket.

Feeling Mulder's hand on her back again she opened the door, in silence they walked to the car. Mulder held the door for her and closed it behind her. She was grateful for his help it was getting harder and harder to close the door by herself, if only she didn't have to open it so widely every time.

"What was that about, Mulder?"

"I don't think the call was about delivering a baby, Scully. I think someone got suspicious about us. I just can't figure out why or who." Pausing he faced her, "is your baby ok, Scully?"

"My baby is fine, Mulder. Dr. Seller had turned the sound off the heartbeat is strong, I saw it on the monitor."

Taking his hand, she placed it on a moving spot on her stomach, "feel the kicking, Mulder, it's a leg. The baby is active as ever. Fortunately, it slept through the ultrasound scanning it would've been difficult for Dr. Seller to explain how a moving baby could be death."

His face glowed with awe and something she couldn't read, but it was similar to regret, "does it hurt, Scully?"

"It doesn't hurt but it can get a little uncomfortable sometimes, nothing to complain about."

Mulder withdraw his arm and slipped the car into drive, this time he didn't turn the radio on and the air around them was lighter. Neither said a word until they found an empty parking lot in front of her building.

"Come on up with me, Mulder."

In her apartment Scully pulled her weapon out of her pocket before she took off her coat, giving both to Mulder who just stood and looked around the corners of her apartment.

"Will you store my weapon in the bedroom? You know where I keep it. I'll make my long overdue morning coffee."

"It's a bit late for morning coffee, Scully?"

"Yeah, I was running late!"

Keeping her hands on her lower back she padded into the kitchen. She had spent most of the night thinking about Mulder and occasionally the case, the strain between them was taking its toll on her and it wasn't good for the baby. She heard the distant sounds of Mulder using her bathroom.

Scully was sitting on the couch with a cup of steamy coffee in her hands, her eyes closed but hearing the muffled steps of Mulder, she opened them and turned her head. He was standing behind the couch looking at her in question, in his hands he had a toothbrush and some shaving tackles. Lifting an eyebrow, she hissed, "what Mulder?"

"Scully, either have you started to shave recently or you like to hold on to old things?"

"I like old things, Mulder!" Shrugging her shoulders, she turned her head back to her coffee.

Mulder walked around the couch and sat next to her, "these are my old stuff, if I'm not mistaken?" He watched her closely, suddenly he had no problem being in the same room with her or keeping eye contact for more than a few seconds.

"They are."

His eyes flicked with several different emotions, it was impossible to read them all. "Why have you kept them, Scully?"

"The same reason why I kept your apartment, Mulder." She wasn't making it easy for him.

"I was wondering about that too, thought my money hasn't been transferred to you yet?"

Staring into his eyes, she wondered what he was thinking, "the transfer was completed two months ago, I've asked my lawyer to retransfer all your accesses back to you. You've money in the bank again, Mulder."

"I don't understand?"

Exhaling, she licked her lips; "you really don't have a clue, do you, Mulder?"

"No!"

Closing her eyes in disbelieve, she rubbed her eyes with two fingers. "Mulder, do you believe I sat at your hospital bed out of duty? That I searched for you until I found you out of duty? Or that I kept staying with you at the hospital after you woke out of duty? Do you honestly believe that?"

"Huh, well not at first. I felt so blessed, when I saw you face after opening my eyes and so lucky when I saw your smile and tears. But you never answered my question if I had been missed and then I saw your enlarged belly."

"And what, Mulder?" She couldn't believe her ears, could he be so blind after all they been through.

"I..huh." He stopped.

"You thought I had moved on, that I had replaced you and become pregnant the moment you were out of sight?" She drawled.

"Maybe." He admitted.

Raising her eyebrow, she repeated, "Maybe?"

When he said nothing but looked sheepishly at her, she shook her head. "You honestly believe the first thing I did, after learning about your abduction, was to become pregnant. Lying in my hospital bed I thought, what the hell, there are other fishes in the water. You don't have high thoughts of me, Mulder. After all, you should know me better than that." She was angry now.

"Huh, I've high thoughts of you, Scully."

"So I see. Do you know how far I'm in my pregnancy? Seven months. Do the math, Mulder."

Zipping her coffee, she saw the wheels turning in his head. "you, you were pregnant in Oregon. That was why you were ill. How did it happen, Scully?"

Rolling her eyes, she asked, "have you heard about the birds and the bees, Mulder? I thought you had learned something from those tapes which aren't yours."

"Scully!" He chuckled, "I know my biology in that area." Becoming serious he added, "I just wonder how it happened? You know what I mean."

"I do, and I don't know, Mulder. It's just too amazing to understand."

The confused and worried look in his face was replaced with wonder and happiness.

"A baby, Scully, a baby. Our baby!"

Locking eyes with him, she saw the love and peace in his eyes, in a swift motion he took the cup out of her hand and lifted her up on her feet and encircled her in his arms. Hugging her tightly, he whispered into her ear: "Thank you, Scully. If this is how I'm greeted after a longer period of absent I'll leave more often."

"Yeah, but you do know there is Skinner and my attraction to him to consider, don't you?"

Finding her mouth, his lips brushed her with a wild intensity, instantly parting her lips she welcomed his tongue into her mouth. The texture of his lips against hers, and the hungry pressure they met her neglected lips with were sweet and toxic, it was a fading memory only kept alive by dreams and fantasies blossoming in remembrance coming alive. It was by far better in reality compared to the stored memory afraid to be forgotten, she had carried for so long. For endless nights, she had held on to sweet memories that had started to fade; hands she remembered the size of but the feeling of their touch to her skin was slipping away. His special scent easily smelled in dreamland was difficult to recall in the middle of the day and only in the early hours of dawn, her lips would soften in responds to a lover's kiss, shaping into meeting Mulder's lips in an unanswered hunger of longing and loss.

Her body more efficient in remembering than her mind remembered instantly, a rainbow of colours and feelings shot through her body into the core of her very existence, where past and present melted together in hope and thanksgiving. All her senses brought to lives by one meeting with his lips sent her body into shock, the wave of multiplied pleasures dizzied her, leaning fuller into him to find grounding, she deepened the kiss. The well-known, and oh so sweet, dance of their tongues steadied her and brought her back into his arms. Mulder was all the grounding she needed and wanted. With a new attentiveness her senses breathed him in and her heart welcomed him home, for the first time truly believing he was here and back with her. That his love for her hadn't died somewhere above the skies of the world they fought for.

Pushing back, he rested his forehead against her forehead; "I think we can forget about Skinner."

"Absolutely. Take me to bed, Mulder!"

"Anytime, Scully."

In her bedroom Mulder paused to look at her, his warm, greedy eyes studied her roughly. Seeing the astonishment washing over his face, Scully took his hand, lifting up in her shirt she placed his hand right above their child. "It's ok to touch, Mulder. We won't break or get hurt."

Letting go of the breath he held, his hand wandered in small soft caresses over the roundness of her belly, feeling the responds he received a smile covered his face and made it glow. Stepping closer, he buried his head in her hair, taking a deep breath his hand glided to her breast and settled right atop of her heart

"You kept me sane, it was you who kept my alive all those months, Scully. I wanted to see you again, to touch you again."

"I know Mulder, I saw you in my dreams." She whispered back.

Her hands found the back of his head and pressed his face down to be at level with hers, claiming his lips in a deep and soft kiss, her need to re-bond on all levels and pass the depths of her love to him controlled her feverish arousal for him. Knowing it was only one level of her love for him, she pushed the urgency into the background. There had been too much urgency and fear in their lives together, now, she wanted, needed to bring a new start into their lives. A new beginning where gentleness and passion dominated their love over fear of being discovered or running out of time. Today, the world was theirs and their love for each other all that mattered. Today, no thoughts of tomorrow were welcomed or acknowledged, she wouldn't allow it.

Feeling the change in her Mulder willed his powerful feelings, the scared part of him wanted to hold her tightly in his arms forever and ever, afraid their moment would be stolen, before he had the chance to express his love to her. It was how their love life had started, urgent and passionate. Now, wanting something to hold on to, wanting to open up for the light he slowed down, pushing his fear aside he sealed their pact in a new and more life-giving way. He bid the urgency farewell and opened his heart up for a deeper love, a love which could break him down, destroy him in the wrong hands but this was Scully. Leaving the fear behind their love became gentle and profound. Forgetting the darkness of the world he kissed her back.

Breaking the kiss, she realised he was hovering over her in the bed, how they had gotten there was a puzzle, everything happened in a fog. Breathing in deeply her body glowed from arousal, more than ready to meld into his. Closing her eyes briefly, she lingered in how he felt and smelled; it was overwhelming but she willed her senses to stay alert, wanting to remember everything.

"Roll over, Mulder." She whispered. Obediently, he rolled over and taking her with him. Straddling him she felt herself drowning in his eyes, in the love they expressed. His eyes had always been the mirror of his soul.

Suddenly, feeling vulnerable she whispered hoarsely: "Do you want me, Mulder?"

Pulling her head down to his, he looked deeply into her eyes, "always. You've never been more attractive to me than you are now. It's our baby inside your body, Scully. I want you!"

Repositioning her, Mulder claimed her lips in hot kisses, expressing how much he wanted and loved her. Their eyes remained locked when they finally became one, the joy they shared silenced the world around them and everything but them stopped to exist. Eyes communicating that the love shared was on a deeper and more pure level than any simple physic love could ever be. Every gentle touch healed a broken wing, a broken heart and replaced them with faith and hope. Life was for the living and they had been given a second chance, the child growing in her body was a proof of that.

Much later their peaceful slumber was broken by Mulder's cell phone, patiently Scully waited until he had finished his conversation with their boss.

"What did Skinner want, Mulder?"

"There has been a fire at the hospital in Dr. Seller's office. There is nothing left, no files and no trace of the doctor."

Lifting the cover, she started to get out of the bed, she was pulled back into his arms; "Skinner told us to stay away, nothing validates the involvement of FBI and since we're not on duty we can not come near the hospital now. The case is closed and Dr. Seller goes free."

"Mulder, we didn't really have anything on Dr. Seller."

"Except that he wanted to kill our baby, Scully. I say Dr. Seller was continuing his genetic manipulation on humans, Scully. I think he steels unborn babies all over the county."

Sighing, she nodded her head, "I think you're right, Mulder. But we'll never know for sure now. Someone knew we were on the case, I just wonder who."

"Yeah."

Refusing to accept the darkness access to their private cocoon, she turned her head and found his lips. Tomorrow they would deal with the world again, tonight belonged to them. This was the homecoming she had dreamed of and prayed for.

The End


End file.
